let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
