Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
