No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
