we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
