I heard we made out
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
