Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have aggressive nipples.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
