How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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