I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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