I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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