is your mom at the bar?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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