She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
