I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
