chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
