found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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