Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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