not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
