she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
