Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
