I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
