remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
