someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
