I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
