Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
