i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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