youre lurking in front of me
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
