I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
