Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
