I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
