I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
