I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
