my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
