sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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