guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
