My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
