census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
