Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
