I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
