My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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