I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
