I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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