fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
