4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
