Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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