Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
