you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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