She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
