I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
