i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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