Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
