did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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