The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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