i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Help. Why am I so naked?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
