i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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