I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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