She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
