Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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