I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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