My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
